The Vamps and The Please?
by The Mulberry
Summary: Fionna has some questions about life for Marshall that he's not too sure he can answer! One-shot. T for inappropriate subject matter.


I do not own Adventure Time or any of it's characters.

Enojy:)

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Fionna had always considered herself a person with a fair amount of life experience. She'd fought many battles in her young life and gone on many adventures. She had traveled to distant lands, met strange beings, and made life-long friends. She was the last known human, and that alone had gotten her enough fame to let her name be known throughout kingdoms all around.

Never having experienced a real adult-authority growing up, Fionna had also become pretty independent, and said and did what she pleased. All of that girly girl stuff never really appealed to her, and she liked to call herself a tomboy. Not once had she ever, _ever _thought of herself as a sheltered little girl. Nuh-uh. No way. She was Fionna The Human, for globs sake. An adventuress, and a darn good one at that.

She always figured things out on the go; test first, lesson after. That sort of thing. Experience and wisdom came to her on a daily basis. She didn't have to go searching for it, or ask questions about life. Pride usually got in the way of that.

Well, usually.

Fionna knew her strengths and weaknesses, though. She knew something else too; the only way to make yourself stronger was by tackling your weaknesses head on, taking the bull by the horns, and improving yourself little by little.

So the human sat in her living room, fiddling with her long hair. Her hat had long been discarded to the dirty wood floor, and she'd decided to hang up her backpack for the day. Bravely deciding that it was time to deal with what she considered her _biggest_ weakness, she turned to one of her best friends and put her game face on.

"Marshall Lee?" She asked, hating how scared she sounded. Marshall had come to visit her house just a little after the sunset, a routine that was becoming considerably more consistent. Lounging in the air, he tuned his axe-bass and played mellow songs that reminded Fionna of the moon, and nighttime.

His head lazily rolled in her direction. "What?"

Fionna took a deep breath. She never liked to show weakness, and asking questions was something she considered inferior and stupid. At least, questions on things she should probably know about.

"Well... I just... I wanted to ask you something." She almost looked embarrassed, which did wonders for Marshall's boredom. He sat up in the air, his full attention on her and a sly grin etching its way across his face. Anything that made Fionna uncomfortable was surely something he'd take pleasure in.

Marshall waited impatiently for the human to organize her thoughts and come up with her question.

"I'm waiting."

"Gimme a minute!"

'_Defensive'_, Marshall thought. She was already self-conscience, even before asking it! '_Oh man, this is gonna be good.'_

Ever the charmer, Marshall Lee floated over to Fionna and raised the axe portion of his bass above her head. "C'mon. Say it. I'll rip your heart out if you don't."

"Nevermind. I'll just ask Cake later."

"What! Dude, I was kidding." He lowered the absurd weapon. "Not cool man."

Fionna didn't want Marshall to think of her as "not cool" or a "man" (she was a tomboy, but she was still a _girl_), so she pushed aside her embarrassment and finally asked the timeless question.

"What's sex?"

Silence. Nothing else in the world... but shock, and silence.

A sob of laughter ripped out of Marshall Lee's throat. He tossed his head back and guffawed at the ceiling, threw his guitar to the ground, and clutched his wrenching stomach.

Fionna stood and leaped into the air faster than he could retaliate. She kicked him directly in the face but it didn't matter, he just kept howling with raw emotion. A tear actually rolled down his cheek.

Fionna's face lit fire, and she instantly wished she could take it back. How could she trust Marshall Lee with something like this? She should've known better.

"Will you stop it!?" She shrieked, hurling the coffee table at him. It hit him square on, but just exploded into a few larger pieces. "Great!" Fionna yelled over Marshall's continuous stream of laughter. She jabbed a finger towards the splintered wood. "Now _I_ have to clean that up!"

It took awhile, but eventually the vampire managed to pull himself together. The smirk never left his face, or eyes, but he did settle down enough to sit on the couch and take Fionna seriously.

Maybe not _that_ seriously.

"Are you quite finished!?" She stood in front of him with both hands on her hips. The temptation to run and get her sword from her room was overwhelming, but she stood her ground. When in desperate situations, Fionna always found that the best type of approach was the honest one. That being said, she didn't like the idea of pouring her heart out to Marshall Lee, the flippin' Vampire King, soulless ruler of the Nightosphere. She'd already crossed the line, though.

"Listen, Marshall Lee." Fionna's voice was solemn. It took Marshall off guard. He'd expected more violence.

"I'm not going to pretend that I'm not embarrassed or whatever, 'cause I am. I'm not going to say that I know a lot about this kind of stuff, 'cause I don't. _And,_ I'm also not going to feel weird about anything you say to me. 'Kay?"

Marshall sat there thoughtfully, eyeing Fionna with an expression of mixed curiosity, humor, and respect. She never stopped surprising him.

"Alright Fionna, pop a squat."

Obediantly, Fionna sat on the floor a few feet in front of Marshall, staring at him with an expression akin to that of a child about to be told a secret.

The vampire scratched his head and cleared his throat. He crossed his arms. Uncrossed them. Leaned back on the couch, then sat straight. It looked as if he was about to begin talking, but then he sighed and flopped down on the couch. Marshall Lee was usually a pretty smooth guy, but he'd never had to do something like _this_ before...

"Spit it out."

"I'm thinking! It...umm, well, you know that _sex _is how babies are made, right?" At the mention of the "s" word, Marshall turned a light shade of pink.

Marshall Lee was good at scaring people, but he had never seen someone blanch the way Fionna did at that question. Her blue eyes grew to the size of saucers.

"No, flippin, _way."_

"Okay, first off Fionna, what do _you_ think...ahem... 'sex' is?"

The young woman tapped her chin. Well... "Well you see, this morning Cake and LM were hangin' right there," She gestured to the couch Marshall was sitting on, and immediately he lifted off it a few feet in the air.

_Glob no._ He thought to himself, glancing down to the upholstery as a shiver ran down his spine. Last time he sat on that thing.

Fionna continued. "And I walked in and Cake was all like, _'But I need to go 'n get protection befo' we do _any_ thin' else. I mean the sex is great 'n all, but...' _Then she saw me and stopped talking, and her tail puffed up and she told me to go to my room." Fionna became visibly upset over this. She didn't even notice the look of absolute disgust on Marshall's face. "This is totally janked! Cake should be able to say anything she talks to LM about in front of me!"

"Yeah, no."

Fionna's head snapped up to meet Marshall's gaze. "Why? What does that mean?"

Marshall was silent. No words came to him. He honestly had no idea how to do this.

The fact that Fionna was seventeen and didn't know what sex was...

"I know it has to do with a boy and girl." She offered, hoping to make things easier for him. Maybe he didn't know what it was either? "When they like each other, like, a lot..."

Okay, Marshall could roll with that. He just needed to find some type of way to make her understand without all the graphic details.

"Fionna," He said suddenly, an idea striking him. "You know how you felt when you kissed Flame Prince?"

The adventuress had no idea why that had to do with anything, but nodded all the same. "Yeah, _hot_."

"Exactly! It was hot, right?"

"Painfully."

"But you liked it."

"Yeah?"

"Hot. Painful. Good. That's sex."

Fionna couldn't believe her ears. She stood up, hands clasped in front of her in excitement. "Are you saying that Flame Prince and I had sex!?" Her toothy smile took up half her face.

Marshall crashed to the floor, horror overtaking him at the very thought. "No! No! I just... that's what sex is _like._"

Fionna considered his words carefully, turning them over in her head and dissecting them. She tapped her chin. "Okay, I think I understand." Marshall's eyes lit up with hope. "So if I, let's say, sat in the sun and got burnt... that's sex?"

The vampire face-palmed. "This isn't working. Give me a second."

Fionna sighed, aggravated, and collapsed to the floor next to her friend. Why was this so hard? Why couldn't he just tell her what it was?

"Marshall, I don't really care how you'd _describe_ sex... I just wanna know what it is. "

_'I could just show you.'_ He thought about saying it, he really did, and his ego definitely egged him on. In all his long life, Marshall had never had to give someone this talk, and he could tell it was important Fionna. No one else was watching, so he tried to supress the asshole in him for a few minutes. He figured it was just another thing to add to his list of life accomplishments, but he had to get through it first.

"Alright, let me try this again." Marshall sat up and glanced over at Fionna.

_"Sex," _He emphasized, "Is something that a dude and chick do when they feel... uhh... when they have strong feelings toward each other... It's romantic... You touch each other a lot, and it usually feels pretty good..." At each phrase Marshall was finding it more and more difficult to look at his friend. Why did he have to be so lame about this? Why couldn't he just say it?

_'Because it's Fionna..._

"Can I just ask why you even care so much, Fi?"

A downtrodden cloud of embarrassment came over the girl. She fidgeted with her long hair and made a point to avoid Marshall's gaze. The vampire heard her heartbeat quicken and the sound seemed to pulse with her quick, nervous chatter.

"It's just... well... I don't wanna, ya know... If I meet the right guy someday... Just seeing Cake with LM so much lately, it's got me thinking... I'm always so prepared for everything, Marshall Lee, and I don't like going into things feeling unsure about myself." She clenched her fists as her face grew tomato-red with honesty. "I don't wanna feel stupid or anything if... if _I findaguyIlikealotand_-"

"Okay!" Marshall chuckled despite himself. He didn't like the idea of Fionna thinking about the prospect of a relationship, but it was bound to happen. She couldn't stay his little play-thing forever.

"Let me tell you something, Fionna." His voice was gentle and caring, which caught Fionna completely off guard. He slung an arm around her shoulders in a playful gesture, and her frazzled nerves froze in place as she felt herself beginning to calm down.

"There's only one thing that you need to know about sex; when you're ready, it'll happen." He couldn't stand touching her any longer, not when they were talking about something so intimate. He lifted his guitar off the floor and began to pluck at the strings.

"Don't be so worried that you'll mess up or whatever, or that you don't know what you're doing, 'cause that's not cool. That stuff doesn't matter as much as you think. You just gotta be yourself, Fi, that's all you can do. Your honesty is the best part about you, so just always stay that way." As an afterthought, he added, "You're beautiful, so stop worrying about it so much."

Marshall Lee didn't feel the awkwardness emanating from Fionna as she tried to put together something smooth to say back to him. He just kept playing his guitar as a satisfied, accomplished smile planted itself on his face.

"I think I get it now, Marsh." Fionna's smile was warm and genuine as she stood and yawned.

"Uhh, you do? You get what sex is... just from that?"

"Yeah, ya know, after hearing you talk and Cake talk, I think I just put two and two together."

Marshall Lee had no idea how she'd decoded the physical meaning of sex from his meaningless spew of mushy junk, but he decided to let it go. Perhaps Cake had told her already and she'd just been trying to get him to say it.

"I think I'm going to hit the hay, but thanks for talkin' to me." She began to make her way out of the living room.

"Later." A wave of pride overcame Marshall as he realized he'd just diffused what could have been a total catastrophe. He didn't need to talk about a single body part in that entire conversation, yet he still somehow managed to explain the birds and bees to Fionna. He was a sly dude.

Floating of the open window, the vampire's head was so big it was ready to pop. _'Oh Marshall Lee, you have a way with words. Triple threat you are, yes my friend-'_

"Goodnight Marshall Lee!" Fionna screamed from her bedroom window. Marshall was about to bid goodnight when Fionna yelled the worst thing she possibly could have to him and the entire kingdom of Aaa.

"That was good sex!"

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If you're confused, Fionna thinks that the conversation Marshall and her had was sex. She thinks that the literal conversation is what sex is. Hahaha REVIEW PLEASE THEY MAKE MY DAY! AND NIGHT AND LIFE AHH


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